Done talking about food (I think)

Ah, what fad diet did I try next? It's hard to remember.

Low-fat, Low-cal, Low-carb--all those have been tried five one time or another. Beside those, I tried not eating after 7, not snacking, and I even gave up Coca-Cola for a time. But the oddest of them all was the Shangri-La Diet. This one involved drinking light oil (such as walnut or olive) a few times a day. Um, yuck. And, um..... yeah.... dumb! But, in my defense, weight/food issues are rather consuming and one is not always rational when battling them.

The scariest moment for me was when I was battling deeply, struggling to keep my head above water, and I heard a voice in my head. It said, "Everything will be better if you go throw up! Your weight will be better. Your husband and family will be happier with you. Go throw up!"

I fell on my face, tears falling in quarts to the floor. I cried out to God for help. Even now as I write that, I can't help but cry at the memory.

It was a pivotal moment. I knew at that very second that I had taken a wrong turn somewhere along the line and my weight obsession was seriously unhealthy. An outsider probably could have spotted it years before, but to me, I was just another insecure gal, fighting the battle of the bulge.

Looking at me on the outside, you'd never know that I had bulemic thoughts. I mean, anorexics and bulemics have their bones sticking out and are all pale and stuff, right? Isn't that what we all think? But me, I'm a thick girl. Rosy cheeks. Muffin top. Strong. Curvy. I don't fit the stereotype. And yet, the strong draw to go throw up was there.

As I sit here I feel incredibly thankful that I didn't.

Shocked and scared by that one ugly moment, I tried to run as far and as fast as I could away from thoughts of weight, food, etc. I read a few books that seemed to help. To offer peace.

But, as I've found in many facets of life, peace is fleeting. I wish I had taken it by force and held onto it, but I let it slip through my hands.

It has been about two years since that pivotal moment and I've learned a lot about myself.

So far I've learned that my food issues stem from my overall feelings of inadequacy. I never have felt like I measured up, and my weight/food issues are just a very large way it manifests itself.

Also, I do much better when my mind is occupied with productive thoughts----writing, reading, teaching, ministry, painting, remodeling, gardening, etc. A bored mind is a dangerous mind. The less time my mind has to over-think and bring me down, the better.

Another thing I've learned is that when I don't medicate myself with food (particularly of the chocolate variety), I bite my nails. I'm not really sure why.

And lastly, I've learned that I'm not leaning on God like I should and I have been trying to carry all of this in my own strength. When the truth is, I'm about as weak as they come and I can hardly believe I tried to carry something so heavy by myself and for so long. How foolish I've been!

There's no quick easy fix for eating/food disorders. I wish there was, but there's not. Some days I struggle, while other days, I'm on top of the world. It's in those low days where I have to be especially vigilant.

This is not an easy subject to write about because it seems so silly to some people, and brings up painful emotions in others. It's my hope that talking about it will minimize the stigma surrounding it. To begin a meaningful discussion in order to help others.

{If you know someone who struggles with weight and/or food issues, the best thing you can do is love them. Be a listening ear. Pray for them. So many deal with these ugly things and no one ever knows of their struggles. There is a certain shame about it. Be a friend. Be a comfortable place for them to land. Love, love, love!}